Let's Talk About: Monogamy.

“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”
– Dorothy Parker

Oh monogamy…what an overrated idea. After my last relationship ended so nastily, I had sworn nothing made you hate someone faster than becoming exclusive with them. Seeing them every day, having to listen to their stupid stories and lame jokes over and over, getting to know all their nasty habits and their ugly side, frequency, repetition, familiarity, blah. It is for the birds or fools, or perhaps both.

Sparrows or swallows are rumored to be monogamous. And penguins too right? I’ve not seriously investigated it but, if this is true, I’m willing to bet these animals have relatively short life-spans. Nothing like to 70-some years Americans are predicted to live. Monogamy makes sense for animals that only live 20 years. Hell, if I popped out of a uterus knowing I’d be gone in a couple decades, I’d start mating with the first person I saw and never let them go. Understandable, sure. But 20 plus years with the same person? No thank you!!

And death really is the only way out of those types of relationships. Or something even more unpleasant. “More unpleasant than death?” you ask. Well, I can think of a few things…

I suppose some people like the idea of monogamy. Of course, it’s these people of which you must be wary. They’re either possessive or delusional. I’m convinced most people don’t actually enjoy the idea of being with the same person for life. Nature indicates it’s about as unnatural as Hell. Society indicates it’s expected. So we do it. We date around, find someone we like and settle down. I’m not talking about marriage either. Marriage is the worst. Getting married is like swearing to monogamy. I’m talking about relationships. Relationships (pre-marriage) are just monogamous agreements. Don’t fool yourself though, these suck too.

At a young age, how can you possibly find what you want for the rest of your life? You cannot. Instead you find someone you can get along with in the here-and-now, settle down and cling away like there’s no tomorrow. Eventually you’re miserable and either “stay together for the kids” or divorce. That’s the statistic which proves monogamy is unnatural. Look at the divorce rate! Some sites have suggested it is near 50% in the U.S. How hopeful. And divorce rates don’t even take into account the percentage of couples who are still together and hating each other.

I’ve never been married but I’ve been in a few relationships which have gone to Hell. Same idea, I suppose. In relationships though, you don’t have to go to court to get the fuck out.

When I express these ideas to most people, they assume I’ve been hurt really bad in the past and I’m afraid to commit. I’m some heartbroken, hapless girl who needs to be saved by a man who knows how to treat her or something. It’s funny when people verbalize this because I never know what to say. I am shocked to find I have been traumatized and that is why I think this way. I thought, just perhaps, common sense led me to this conclusion? I can admit, my first serious relationship happened at a young age and I was a fool. I was hurt pretty bad but I don’t think I still carry around baggage from it and I consider myself pretty in-touch with my emotions. And quite honestly, since then, I’ve been the one doing the “heart-breaking.” I’ve been treated really well in my last few relationships. It was the familiarity which got to me. I got bored. Of course, I made other excuses to break it off but I never let them think it was their fault (and it wasn’t.) “It’s me!” I can say that and mean it and, to be honest, it feels great to be honest.

But now I find myself in a conundrum. For the last six months or so, I’ve been treated very well. One of my biggest relationship problems is I always end up with the guys who will sacrifice themselves to make me happy. Once again, none of this indicates I have been mistreated…quite the opposite! While it is clear to see how this can get boring fast, what I discovered a few days ago came as a shock.

While lying in bed, my significant other began answering text messages rather early in the morning. Okay, it was the afternoon but it was “morning” as we were still in bed, somewhat sleeping. When he went to throw the wash into the drier, I decided to do something totally out of character. I went snooping. I got exactly what I was asking for when I found he’d been sending a female co-worker some rather incriminating messages. If you know me, you know I’m never one to sit down, shut up and just keep something to myself. I ended up kicking him out after some very unsatisfactory explanations.

Although my snooping was out of character, so was his texting! Of all the men I’ve dated, I’ve trusted this one quite a bit. This was the last thing I expected from him. The guy who told me numerous times he wanted to be in a relationship and get married and settle down and all that miserable madness I’ve condemned thus far…he was going to do this? In the midst of his half-assed excuses, he revealed I was the only girl he’d been with that he hadn’t cheated on…yet.

In hind sight, after some deliberation with a close male friend, his wandering ways make a bit of sense. Men who are willing to sacrifice themselves so much to please a girl are rarely satisfied with themselves. To feel like a man again, it only makes sense to pursue another girl. It strokes the damaged ego, ya know? I get it.

What I don’t get is why he swore being exclusive is what he wanted? Why was he the one who pushed me into a relationship? So he could do this? I’m not that jaded or cynical. I don’t believe people start out with the intentions of hurting another. I’m just shocked to find I’m a victim of someone who has fooled themselves into thinking they were capable of monogamy. As stupid of a thing as it is.